Space in Relationships

Umpteen articles talk about ‘tips’ on Dating, on Relationships, on how to please your Man/Woman and so on. But do we really abide by them? Forget about abiding, do we even remember the so called tips? Is love a book, some science, which can be read, analyzed, explained, and then implemented? Are human emotions so facile to understand? There are numerous questions with almost no convincing answers.


Love is beyond comprehension. And we mortals make it even more complex. We meet people, we like them, love them, share a special bond, a relationship buds. Some relationships are already there since our birth and some we beget with time, with age. Not all are complex, yet some are. When two individuals, of disparate persona come together, they don’t just share their ideas or feelings, they share their entire world with each other. It may sound like a cliché but the root of a harmonious relationship is ‘mutual understanding’. There are a lot of successful couples, who are together since years. It’s like eternity (for example, our parents). They have not only sustained, rather grown as a couple and individuals as well, that too triumphantly. And our generation often wonders, what it takes to win the trophy of a ‘successful couple’. We fail to understand that what it takes to win this trophy is a ‘healthy mind’. A mind that understands the meaning of love, respects the value of relationships and knows that the significant other is an individual, an independent soul that cannot be caged or possessed.

Relationships usually orbit around three words –I love you/I hate you/I like you/ I need you/I want you and the new flavor enhancer is –I NEED SPACE! Firstly, by space we mean the freedom or opportunity to express oneself, be alone, and express individuality. While many of you reading this might be nodding your head in compliance; for some, relationship means ‘no space’. There is no ‘need’ of space. In fact they have this big question mark on their face when you talk about it. They are like what kind of space? Why this space? What does Space mean? According to some of my friends, one doesn’t feel the need of having ‘space’. (A friend of mine expressed his view on this and said, “I don’t think in a relationship you feel the need of having ‘space’.) They say, “I have an understanding partner and we always talk out our issues. Communication has been the strongest key’’. I quite agree with it but up to an extent. There are many such couples who do feel the need of having space. Now the question arises when do we feel the need of having space? What compels us to say these three words? Well there can be many denoting reasons.

It is natural for couples to desire to be with each other all the time and be glued. A word of caution here is that while we desire to be with each other, there is a need to be alone as well. This may sound callous to some; when one is in a relationship, one gets offended when the significant other expresses the need to have space. The reason for getting hurt is insecurity and fear; fear of losing the person. This feeling is often taken as a personal attack. A lot of questions might germinate in the mind. They might ask themselves, if they are the reason for this indifference or how did they offend their loved one? What went wrong? How come he/she wants to be alone when they share everything?

Often when one half of couple states the need of having space, it has nothing to do with the other half of couple. It has nothing to do with the amount of love one has for his/her partner. We as individuals come from divergent facets of life. The way each and every individual has been brought up is completely different from the other person. Let’s take a scenario here. Your partner has lived certain years of life away from family and has not shared any responsibility. He/she has developed a nature, which is way too independent. Now if you keep poking, act clingy and need details of every activity of your partner, you are intervening in that space. Yes, you might think that after all you are a couple and how can you ‘intervene’? Here you need to understand and adapt to the nature of your partner. By consistently clinging on to your partner you will certainly suffocate him/her! Do not try to control your partner. Even as a couple, you are still two individuals, and to grow as a couple you must also grow individually. You need to give room to your partner to think, introspect, and get in touch with his/her inner self to understand himself/herself better. Rather than trying to fix their problem, it’s better to concentrate on your own self and do some self-introspection. Of course you do care and love your partner and know what suits him/her best, but it is healthier for them to learn for themselves instead of expecting you to always come to the rescue, when it is least needed. A relationship requires two mature and healthy minds that understand and respect the need of giving space. The best thing to do when your partner needs space is to give it,

Allow time and space to the person whom you so dearly love. This will lead to a positive experience for both the individuals and strengthen the relationship rather than diminish it.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

A beggar that was a chooser

One class of people that can never leave this country is ‘beggars’. On streets, traffic signals, subways, railway stations, temples, outside offices, or any unspecified area, you will find them almost everywhere. For a while they were sort of eradicated from Delhi. Oh sorry, not eradicated rather ‘relocated’ from Delhi to NCR. They had this so called ‘temporary residence’ permit. And who else can be the true claimer for brownie points – the much hyped CWG!! Anyhow, I personally do not sympathize with them and do not appreciate giving them ‘money’ either. It annoys me when people do so and encourage those poor people, when they know what the truth is, which has been creditably propagandized in Slumdog Millionaire. But we are humans, and compassion is natural. I also do give. But I prefer only feeding the needy. That’s what they are deprived of. Hunger is one of the major forces that rule the individual’s instinct for self-preservation.

So my story is that one evening, around 4:00 PM, I was out with a colleague for a regular tea-break. We bought our cup of tea and walked toward the lane in front of the building. As we were strolling, a small girl of age 5-6 years came up to me. She was wearing a shabby frock, her hair were unkempt, in all a very untidy look. I could not ignore since she was pulling my kurta and had to unwillingly answer in a rude tone (which I am guilty of). She was asking for money and I denied. I was by chance not carrying cash (if somebody is thinking how I bought tea, well we colleagues keep giving each other tea-treats). Now she was persistent on taking something from me. Then she pointed her little finger to the cup I was holding. I agreed to it and said I will buy her a fresh cup of tea or something to munch. She apparently refused and insisted on taking my cup only. By chance, I had not even taken a sip of it. So I readily gave it to her. She held the cup in her tiny fingers and walked away. She went to a corner, sat on her knees and sipped the tea. It was a treat watching her. What I felt that time is something I can’t explain in words… She was looking so cute. It literally moved me. While walking back to office, I smiled at her and waved bye. She didn’t smile back but now she was staring at my sandals. And I was like, ‘oh, not my sandals honey! They are my favorite ones and I can’t walk bare feet in office’.

But I learnt something that day - If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one.

Bright sunny Afternoon..

So, I just disappeared after making a debut.  However, I am back now. I kept thinking and thinking as to what shall be my first post like. Thanks to weather, I could finally think of what to pen down.

Here it goes….

Long ago there was a dame,  naïve, sweet and simple. For the first time she got this ‘real’ exposure to the outside world. She had just completed schooling and took admission in a fine college. The days spent there were quite memorable and taught her a few lessons of life. Here’s a glimpse of something special she experienced.

BACKDROP

The initial days of college included crowded classrooms, with not-so-good infrastructure (Not every DU college has good infrastructure), girls and boys trying to be wannabe’s. Fashion followers, even fashion victims..  in all DISASTER.

Though  Ragging  was a big NO,  seniors made sure that no fuchcha evades the introductory or so called Ice breaking session.. Chawani- atthani , introductions in pure Hindi, singing, dancing, proposals, reading a pervert text in hindi (This was specially for the ‘chicks’ and BTW literature has diverse topics and sex being one of them, a text from a book was asked to be read out aloud in hindi by these ‘chicks’) and so went on for the first week. That was all fun. However, when the ragging session was over, came the session of Lecturers. Seniors educated the fuchchas about the faculty, who were good and bad etc. One of the faculty was majorly discussed among senior girls. According to almost all the girls in college, he was a HEARTHROB. Including fellow female faculties almost all the gals/women in college were crazy about him.

Lectures started, almost all the faculties were introduced. Days passed, but the allurer had not yet taken a lecture.

FIRST LOOK

Wednesday, 2^nd week of August probably, bright sunny day, the girl was sitting at the corner seat, alone, watching the clear sky and birds outside the window.  Just when she was admiring the beauty of nature, appeared a face, which was very pleasing, dressed in formals, a very charming personality..  He took her heart away. She kept staring at him.. Suddenly, he went out of sight. She wanted to catch another glimpse of him but he had disappeared.

There was lot of noise in the classroom since there was no faculty. Just then the door opened,  the alluler came in. All stood up and sang ‘Good Afternoon, Sir’!! He smiled, (By Jove! He had a killing smile) asked all of them to take their respective seat. The girl was dazzled, that this man is their faculty. So here was the one who was the most famous among all women. He indeed had a very mesmerizing personality. Average height, almost 5’8’’, fair complexion, average built, beautiful hands (yes, this man had beautiful hands) and a killing smile on his face. He did not appear to be somebody very ‘handsome’. But there was something about him.. The aura.. And then he spoke..  The content didn’t matter, only the voice, which touched many hearts and ‘the girl’ was one of the victims. Right then she decided – ‘he is the one I would want to marry’.  She fell for him(according to her). For the first time, the thought of marriage struck her . Or I shall put it like this, that for the first time she realized the kind of man she would want to be with forever. However, she kept staring at him with a smile in her heart and a dream to be with this man. The dream of marrying was shattered when she came to know he was already married. But she made a deal with God, to marry him in her next life!

Days passed, weeks went by and many months, and she kept thinking about him. So this girl looked for excuses to talk to him, to spend some time with him.. The doubts were created deliberately and she approached him for solutions which she never carefully listened. The sole purpose was to be with him.

 

THE BEGINNING

Then came the day when she finally waved goodbye to her love (at that time). She migrated to another college. She met him on the last day. And to her surprise he had asked her to stay and not migrate since she was a good student. Oh ! Her heart sank.. she was happy.  But then she had to leave. She got up said bye and looked back while leaving. He was watching her going and said bye.  And she moved on with her life… And the journey began…

Who was she? Why did I thank the weather? It reminds me of that sunny afternoon… and the charming face of the man who took my heart away. Yeah.. It was me.. J

Debut

I have been thinking of creating a blog for almost one year now. And here I am, finally!

I am here to share my experiences of life, my experiences with people, with nature, with places and with GOD. But they would be incomplete without your input. So, any sort of comment, compliment or criticism(especially) is most welcome!